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   messageicon Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
←Rate | 06-24-2020 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older
←Rate | 08-24-2020 14:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
←Rate | 09-08-2020 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
←Rate | 09-10-2020 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.
←Rate | 09-28-2020 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
←Rate | 10-14-2020 11:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
←Rate | 06-08-2018 18:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again
←Rate | 08-17-2020 16:33 by SlowMotionNinja Comments (1)  


   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  


   messageicon My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
←Rate | 08-11-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
←Rate | 08-15-2020 11:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.
←Rate | 08-17-2020 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
←Rate | 08-25-2020 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 08:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels
←Rate | 04-16-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
←Rate | 06-05-2020 13:27 Comments (0)  



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