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The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It's dropping your phone in a port-a-potty! 
I'm pretty sure my reasoning skills are defective
#CoinStar is guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks
When I get old and my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals; stand over the caskets and whisper "you should have forwarded that e-mail to 12 friends..."
I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.
It's not too late... we have the rest of our lives.
hi say 2 wanted just I that out find you when irritating very it find may you... CONFUSED?? Now read it backwards..
Wine gets better with age? Obviously wasn't an alcoholic that figured that out.
I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......
If you have a craving for Pringles & Sardines at 3am in the morning..... you just smoked some bad weed, thats all!
Nice lips. When will you be closing them?
How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…
Shout out to whoever got these gas prices down in July. now lets hit da two dollar mark.
My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.
Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.
n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.
If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.
If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes. 