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The black really brings out your eyes- Ray Rice pick up line... 
We need a national conversation on why we think we need to have all these national conversations.
In Hell, the Devil reads you Power Point presentations word for word.
So who's up for some Dublin penetration on this woderful St. Paddy's Day?
Running away is not exercise.
You couldn't handle me, even if I came with instructions.
I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.
Women and Cats: I've never understood why women love cats. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Valentines Day: Condoms are also awesome picnic supplies.
" Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily
Let's just stay at this liquor store until we run out of supplies. - me during the zombie apocalypse
Bert + Ernie = Bernie. Coincidence?!?! I think not.
You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can always control which window you throw them out of.
What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? "Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f*cking disgrace."
A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.
Fattening Tip: You can pour melted ice cream on regular ice cream. It's like a sauce!!!
Surprise sex is awesome to wake up to. Unless you are in prison....
Some people think they are champagne in a tall glass, when in actual fact they're luke warm piss in a red plastic cup.
My thoughts are with all of the crooks, fraudsters, politicians, super rich elite, celebrities and athletes during these difficult times. #PanamaLeaks
Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 90 years old yesterday. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin. 