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Would you people PLEASE stop praying for my Grandpa to get stronger . . . he's ALREADY grabbed me by the throat this morning! 
In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!
Brady has decided to remail in Florida after retirement because of the low inflation there.
Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love
That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️
Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!
Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.
I want to start a Go Fund Me account to sponsor any Coronavirus infectious people to pay them to go hug a politician
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away. MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
America is so desperate for sports, we'd even settle for soccer.
Alcohol can cause Depression..Particularly, when you run out of it
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
After such a high demand for COVID-19 face masks, I have recently started making them. Does anyone know how much chloroform I need to use?
when hitler rose to power, there were no memes to stop him.
OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it a "Beanbag Chair" and not a "Sack of Sit"?
When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable
What's a burnt pizza, frozen drink & a pregnant girl have in common? In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time
I'm going to name my next dog Nama . So I can say NamaStay !
I dont win marathons because I'm lucky, I win them because I'm driven 