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If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand. 
A chinese couple had a black baby guess what they named him? Sum ting wong
What happened to all the people who were gonna die in Florida because fans celebrated after the Super Bowl a month ago? Libs know the jig is up on the panicdemic.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Whats the difference between Michael Brown and Michael Brown jokes? ... Michael Brown jokes will get old one day
Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."
The "AMERICAN" flag in my yard is hanging at half staff for those lost in Pearl Harbor, no one else.....that is all
Why can't the DEVIL jst swallow his pride & ask GOD for forgiveness so we can all go back to the garden of EDEN & live happily NAKED?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet
...If you look at LIFE like a piano - where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness.. As life goes on, you realize the black keys make the music too...(",)
What do you call a black businessman? A drug dealer.
My Man Crush Monday is: Obama. I hope a rock falls, and crushes his head.
done signing autographs
Fat girls should not wear tight jeans... just sayin
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Pandas are living proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
It's hard to maintain good eye contact with a cute pedestrian once she slips beneath your wheel.
One of the greatest advantages about having a child in diapers is that there is always a constant supply of Desitin for the mornings after I ate some wings or Mexican food. 