Funny Status Messages

   Being yelled at by a self-checkout machine is so humiliating. Everyone can hear you getting lectured by a little robot.

   Han Solo: Han open carries, hates trade regulations, tax fees and Imperial overreach. Be like Han.

   Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location, my goodness.

   Need some advice? Go read a book, read several, it’s free. You’re welcome.

   As a child seeing a scary movie and being afraid of the dark. As an adult seeing my electric bill and being afraid of the light.

   Her: I was just swiping on Tinder. Can anyone tell me why I saw my boyfriend? Her: Stop asking what I was doing on Tinder, that’s not the point!

   Dating a church girl is the best. I cheat, we pray about it and blame the devil.

   When someone tells you to hang on, but you hang up because you didn’t want to talk to them anyway.

   Stop looking for your soulmate and start looking for your soul, mate.

   Dear June, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just come in, sit down, don’t touch anything and keep your mouth shut.

   Life is like soccer, you can either use your head or use a good swift kick.

   Please explain again your loathing for woman but want desperately to become one. We find you utterances disturbing yet intriguing.

   Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

   Tried to hide a pill in a block of cheese and my dog suddenly became Gordon Ramsey.

   Trying to breathe quietly while walking uphill, so bystanders don’t hear me fighting for my life.

   I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

   Trying to add up the media’s stories for today and it came to 5317. Now, flip your calculator upside-down and read it.

   It’s sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point.

   No matter how bad your life is, just remember, people out there are worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

   Doctor: I have your test results. Patient: Did I pass? Doctor: You will soon.