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A couch potato sounds deliciouis but I'm not gettnig up to make it. 
Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.
If violets were orange, poetry would be much more challenging.
My kitchen smells like Ke$ha. (Tequila, lime and fish.)
Shirt wet, face sweaty, heavy breathing......no, you pervs.....I just mowed the front yard.......
We worry too much about sleeping with someone we don´t know than to actually take the time to find someone worth waking up to.
If you don't normally send me regular texts and/or you don't respond to my regular text than DO NOT send me those idiotic Fwd texts!!
Just so you know, if I were in shark infested water I would be ALL the way on the boat before removing my regulator and talking to the camera.
400 lbs of salt and two snow blowers for sale, thanks weathermen! Excuse me while I Go sledding through my grass.
Just learned that Pop Tarts™ are NOT the breakfast of champions....I'm devastated!
clothes dont make the man, but he gets no respect without them
Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.
Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worthwhile.
I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive Facebook pokers.
Why cant men and women get along? Because gentlemen and ladies became overrated and parents stopped teaching their kids manners therefore women r so needy and men r demanding.
You would think NBA players would get better chairs to sit in during the game.
Dear Bin Laden, I guess you are no longer the champ of Hide-n-seek! you lose MOFO! you lose! -- I WIN! Sincerely, Waldo
Mother Nature can be cruel sometimes. If I ever meet her I'm gonna snatch her purse. Old B*tch
Easiest way out of Jury duty, after the States Attorney tells you he/she has no more questions, thank them for their time, fist pump them and say “ May the force be with you”
Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants. 