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Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you 
Need a math nerd to solve problem: I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I'm gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
A sculptor built a 5280 foot statue of Mick Jagger for his 50th birthday. That's a huge mile Stone.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
To the person who corrected my grammar online, I killed you’re whole family
LSU ranked #1. Bama fans ain't been this mad since they moved the Sudafed behind the counter at Walmart.
Can we celebrate Thanksgiving this year and be thankful for all we have before we start thinking about all the cheap Chinese made plastic junk we don't need for Christmas?
My new years weight loss plan is eating pasta and then antipasta.
I have a lot of imaginary friends. They are real people, I just have to pretend they are my friends.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.
I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first. 