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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet 
Dear scientists, Which is worse for our lungs, smoking or walking into an Abercrombie store? Sincerely, worried..
Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didnâ€
Note to Taco Bell: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,Glue some hooves on it and call it beef....
Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.
ran home behind the bus today and saved $3.50. Tomorrow I'm going to run behind a cab and save $20
It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!
If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired as a Paparazzi.
"Lets watch a scary movie!" *several hours later* "Dude, walk with me to the bathroom"
Don't you hate it when people talk sh!t on Facebook? Internet Gangsters
Dude why are you making that face? You look like you're gambling on a fart.
problems are like a tree, if you cut off the leaves they will grow back but if you cut it out at the roots they will be gone for good
LIFE is the art of drawing...WITHOUT an eraser
I've been shopping for a new desk. Still can't find one with a headboard.
I have watched all the harry porter movies with subtitles on, so that means I have read them too
I'm no binge drinker. Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting. I usually have my 4th and 5th lying on the floor.
Note to self: Lets keep those intimate times to ourselves..
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. 