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The price of books is ridiculous! We should at least get the teacher's edition for that price, dang...a free puppy wouldn't hurt either. 
If you give me a hug and you smell good you might need to dislodge my mouth from your neck.
Dear Lord.....Please lead the NFL out of this referee lockout and deliver us scab free officiating. Amen.
Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny.
Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.
I am paranoid with an inferiority complex.. I fear that no one is following me..
Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.
In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the makers of alcohol for making life worth living.
success is not the key to happiness; happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.
Why would I watch the Victoria Secret Angels when I have 3 mirrors in my room?
My right eye has been twitching for the past hour. Is this what it's like to have a hobby?
Can't wait for the Cirque Du Soleil show based on the Steve Martin film The Jerk. I'll be 1st in line for Cirque El Jerk.
so these two Myans walk into a bar...oh...too late?
Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?
The majority of my life is spent alone, the rest is spent feeling alone.
49ers sort of have a dear antler in the headlights look.
I don't care if your a 7 foot 10 Sasquatch of a man if you step on a kids Lego barefoot at 3am on the way to the bathroom you will squeal like a baby seal....fact....:)
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.
Facebook - The one place, where you can pretend to have a lot of friends 