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I saw my shadow this morning. Looks like it will be six more weeks of dieting. 
Can't wait for my favorite holiday on February 15th known to single people as 50% off Valentine's Day Cake and Candy Day!
I'm so old I remember when Amazon dating used to be called a mail order bride.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
What came first the chicken or the egg all depends on whether or not I'm having breakfast or dinner.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.
Saturday morning wife took me in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."
Microsoft Word! I try and move an image 1mm to the left, but all text and images shift, fonts change, four more pages appear...in the distance, sirens.
Nine months from now a boom of babies will be born, and we will call them Coronials!
Lifted my leg to fart like a young man and fell over
[stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Tried oscillating today! Not a fan!
It's been awhile but I guess now would be a good time to check on my crops and see how they're growing in Farmville.
The lockdown has made workout guru Richard Simmons popular again. It's like taking exercise advice from a marshmallow.
My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.
Can't believe it's only been a month we've been self quarantining is it feels more like I've been doing it since like 1979
In these trying days of isolation please remember Deodorant is not Optional.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible I have toilet paper 