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I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me. 
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave. How’s your day
it’s funny how guys like being called daddy until the pregnancy test is positive
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Thought I’d do a little shopping on this day off and I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everyone is dressed so last decade.
* A cheap father told his little son that is nightlight only made it easier for the monsters to find him.
* You know you're old when your pants waistband is up to your nipples.
If I had some ham, I could have ham and eggs. If I had some eggs.
Moses walks down Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and assembles the Israelites. Moses announces, "I've got good and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10." "What's the bad news?", a voice cries out. "Adultery is still in."
They should release the movie Groundhog Day under the name Groundhog Day 2 and call it a sequel 