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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21. 
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.
Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: [using doggie poop bag at park] stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once me: yeah wouldn't want anyone to step in it stranger: what's your dog's name me: dog?
We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
Orson Welles
People who give you their attention only when they're lonely or bored... No thank you. I already have a cat.
Butter should re-name itself, "I Can't Believe It's Not Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Xanthan Gum and Other Artificial Flavors"
so many beautiful women I went to high school with are now married to sentient camouflage hats
If you're wondering what my secret to success is. You can find it under Facebooks settings then scrolling down to where it says deactivate account.
I'm no scientist, but wouldnt fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?
I grew up living paycheck to Paycheck but through hard work and perseverance, I now live Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that literally types whatever I say punctuation point
"I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.
Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter. 