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A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two. 
Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.
Instead of milk cartons they should put photos of missing people on the backs of smartphones.
And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."
Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.
Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.
We just opened a second bottle of homemade limoncello. See you in 3-6 weeks.
SPORTS FACT: The Olympics takes place every four years because it lasts four years.
Carpool Karaoke except they crash and explode into a ball of flames.
If anyone makes a movie of this Ryan Lochte story, please call it Double Jeahpardy.
A child in the grocery store wouldn't stop repeating "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" so I whispered, "You're gonna do great on Twitter someday."
Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.
My dentist said I need a crown I was like I know, right?
Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.
Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to "it's complicated."
You know Samsung has a problem when they include a "my phone battery exploded" emoji in their messaging service.
As a parent 40% of your time raising a teenager is threatening to take their bedroom door off the hinges....
Wish I could hate eating dinner as much as I hate cooking dinner.
Never question my career choices more than when I'm on a large conference call with people who don't know when to mute their phone.
its not very often I act my age but when I do its fcuking boring !! 