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thinking so what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus. 
I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause my wallet is missing.
I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"
If you aren't liberal as a youth, you don't have a heart. If you aren't conservative as an adult, you don't have a brain…
Lady Gaga says she takes her fashion inspiration from Princess Diana. It's just a shame it's not from how she looked before the crash.
It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
inspired by true events.
Skipping the new "Jackass" movie... already saw Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar on "The View" this week.
sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant.
The difference between Humans and Chimpanzees is about 600 genes. The difference between mormon and moron is one letter.
Son: "Dad, I had sex for the first time tonight!" Dad: "Congrats son, have a beer! Have any questions?" Yes dad I do...."how long will my ass hurt?"
The Republican National Committee is considering selling the TV rights to its presidential primary debates. To which Fox News is saying they already own it since all the candidates are working for them.
Some girl in China lost her virginity at 12, her name was 'SUM YUNG HO'
Father's Day....the most confusing day in the ghetto.
Bobbi Kristina, I'm sure you are at peace. Maybe now the rest of us can get some peace from that drama-filled family of yours.
27 Championships. Too bad the Yankees can't also buy the respect of players, owners, and fans of MLB.
What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You're the wind beneath my wings.
no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident,
we can all talk smack about miley, but we all know if given the option and if no one would find out, we would hit that pancake A ss 