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My one and only wish is for all the pretty lesbians to turn straight and all the ugly lesbians to remain lesbians. 
watching day after tomorrow and the news at the same time. its almost like watching the same thing!!!
I might be your ex but I'm better than your next.
It sucks when you're on Facebook, and you see people having more fun in their lives than you do.
Sheen 2012! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood
Dear the Midwest, ha ha ha ha ha! Your friend the south
Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?
Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease and irritate each other, knock each other down, but can't live without each other.
I graduated with a 4.0 … Blood Alcohol level.
I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would only consist of . . . you know I'm going to be king someday."
I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
I can't believe I'm having to even post this. But to the fine up standing citizen who is concerned about some of my post. I DID NOT REALLY SLAP A HO' AT THE HOLIDAY IN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT. It was at the Red Roof Inn.
Shark Week. I'd rather watch Loan Shark Week. That would be interesting to watch, and probably just as badass.
Cremation, the last thing to light your fire.....
- Seen a tv program about sharks . Sharks have been around for 400 million years , unless you believe the bible which says the earth is only 6000 years old !! ........ I believe the sharks !!
fell on the ice today. When I got up my keys, cell phone and wallet were gone. Must have been black ice...
Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head?
Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'. Five hours I spent in casualty
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night and told the locals that one but the locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 18 and I'm 27. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
A dog will love you more then your wife... Don't believe me? Lock both in the trunk of your car for an hour then see which one will be happy to see you. 