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why can they put enamel in paint but not on your teeth? 
Hey Janet Lehman, how about I send you MY program for free? It's called a BELT!! You're welcome
Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.
I want to fix you, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.
Here is a dollar, go and call someone who gives a sh!t.
I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."
What's the best age to abandon your children around the holidays so they can grow up to write decent blues music?
I do the perfect imitation of a slug being poured salt on when my mom turns the light on in my room this early
Mustaches are just wings for your nose
"Remember to be rule a forward pass, the pass has to move forward." - Phil Simms
Best thing to hear at work "yall just wait here for a while"
You've been in a good mood three days in a row? Teach me this sorcery.
Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?
Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.
What People Care About In February: 99% -- Deadpool, 1% -- Valentines Day.
Valentines Day: Remember, there is no problem a few dollars & the strip club can't solve.
A major shout out to hotel maids and maintenance people on February 15th.
Friend, Best Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Garlic Bread -- Only garlic bread has no "END". Garlic Bread will always stay by your side.
Brace yourself, the warm weather is bringing out white girls that tan too much and think they look good, but they really look like Oompa Loompas.
You're so vain, you probably think this ritualistic cursed voodoo doll, I made in your likeness, is about you. 