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I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach 
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie
does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend
I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.
I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.
People say “the early bird gets the worm.” But everyone freaks out when I drink tequila at 8am
OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?
I have a very rigid exercise routine, involving daily jogs to the fridge to see what I have to eat.
My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time.
I am so dumb, I put lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.
If I had a horse in the Kentucky Derby, his name would be... How-Much-Wood-Could-A-Woodchuck-Chuck-If-A-Woodchuck-Could-Chuck-Wood .
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.
My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue. 