Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Would you like to go down for a midnight snack? 
I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"
...and thats when George Washington shot Hitler in the head.
Liquor and Poker... Oh, Wait.. you wanted to drink and play cards... well now. Everybody knows where my mind was at."
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me...
i said something that changed the atmosphere at a dinner party yesterday... I said I hope no body is allergic to nuts... because I like resting mine on the table
I don't allow men to smoke in my room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want.
Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.
loves waking up to a excited puppy at my bedroom door until I see her run off to the kitchen & realize that the only reason she is excited to see me is cause there is food on the counter & I sometimes give her my leftovers. Little BIOTCH.
Don't you just hate it when you're in the express queue at the supermarket and the person in front of you has 15-20 items in their basket and you only have 2...
I didn't get your call really means "I hate you, stop calling me."
The reason guys don't have problems with underarm fat? We were born with shake weights already attached
beer: the reason I get up every afternoon..
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
...and buying sushi from 7-11 wasn't even the worst I made decision today
Running with scissors. Take that society.
polishing up the ole' Festivus Pole
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.
Went to Walmart today. Now I know why lions eat their young.
Wow! She has a nice pair of golden globes!! 