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In memory of Mr. Food's passing, I will eat a lot of food tomorrow, and I will inappropriately be saying, "Ooh! It's so good!" after every bite throughout the day.... 
In the day and age of debit/credit cards, it sure makes it tough for panhandlers to acquire spare change while standing outside of convenience stores.
Stop looking for things and people who you think will make your life perfect, and start looking for the things and people that make your life WORTH IT!
Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”
I never drink coffee at work mainly because it keeps me awake and alert.
having Deja vu. I think I've read these on twitter before.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember where I should of stopped drinking.
Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.
If I didn't ask for your opinion, don't think i'm going to care what you have to say.
The only thing worse than having a mouthful of chili when you sneeze is to have a nose full of chili AFTER you sneeze! F*ck ME!!!!
Trying to understand quantum physics, because trying to understand women is just too damn hard.
Reporting on your own superheroic activity while in your secret identity as a reporter is an ethics violation, MR. KENT.
Hopefully Don Cornelius really is on the Soul Train to Heaven...
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.
Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.
If I can`t easily reach what I dropped…I begin to justify why I don`t need it.
instagram... making girls all over the world look better than they are, damn iPhone
"Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. 