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So on a scale from Ramen noodles to bisquits and gravy , How high are you ? 
After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...
Why must you mock me humpday? We both know I'm not getting any. :p
Ships in bottles are made by retired gynecologists.
I might be having sex tonight. Is there a drink called 5-minute ENERGY ™?
Wouldn't be nice to see if there is an alien on a far away planet that acts exactly like you do.
Nothing like falling in love with a sociopath to make you question your judgement.
Does anyone else remember when we bought boots at K-Mart, for 15 dollars, to wear when it snowed? Now they sell those same boots for 300 dollars and call them UGGs. . . .
Takes one to know one cutie^
If I ever do drag... My stage name is going to be Amber Alert.. That way I'll have everyone looking out for me
Scientists have found that women share the same dna as prawns.. Their heads are full of sh*t but their pink bits taste amazing!!
I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.
Maybe because she is watching more football, but I am starting to like it when she stops, calls for a measurement then goes for it.....
Centerpead.....? Someone needs spell check or to learn how to use it.
I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.
Truth doesn’t matter when you just vote for your team regardless of their integrity.
جمعية البراري, translation “l f@&k goats”
Parole board: Are you ready to return to society? OJ: I'm ready to take a stab at it.
Whole Foods should change their name to Whole Paycheck...
Taylor Swift should have grabbed that microphone from Kanye and said "Sorry, but Martin Luther King Jr. had the best speech of all time." 