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"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson 
A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult.
Saw a magazine with two girls on it from the show Teen Mom that said "Teen Mom Ruined my life" REALLY?? I supposed the fact that you couldn't keep your panties on in the first place had NOTHING to do with it?
You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.
Ive created a fb group called "threesome" and invited two girls. I'm not going to say a word and just see what happens.
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┏(-_-)┛┗(-_- )┓┗(-_-)┛┏(-_-)┓ EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'
Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..
Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.
Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert
They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.
to do list: 1. win powerball 2. delete Facebook account
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed..
Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say , "Don't know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea." 