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Went from Being Single to.... In a Relationship with God. 
Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.
I f I have am erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, I'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew!
Sumung s 3 was launched some time ago and iphone 5 can can't beat it.
I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt. You just get taller.
Apple CEO, Tim Cook is so proud to be gay, he waited 53 years to come out.
Save a tree, use a sock.
I have no problem with allowing Michael Vick to play in the NFL. However, if he ever suffers a career ending injury, he should be "put to sleep" immediately
Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"
When this girl at the art museum asked me who I like better, "Monet or Manet", I said "I liked mayonnaise." She just stared at me so I said it again, louder...Then she left... I guess she went to find me some mayonnaise.
The sinking of the Titanic was tragic. At least we're doing everything we can to make sure something similar never happens again today by melting all icebergs.
When I run for president, if you vote for me i'll make it so homeless people can't have dogs anymore.
GIRLS DAD: "Don't let him touch you", BOYS DAD: "Get in there son."
If Starbucks delivered, the world would be a better place!
After years of hearing it, for once I would like to be the one saying, “Now get the hell out of my office?”
Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that.
Right now Bin Laden is in Hell with his 72 "virgins" cursing the iPhone app "use current location" and wondering why nobody showed him the fine print in the Qu'ran stating that the "virgins" were never specified as being female... or human, for that matte
Looking @ a homeless guy on the bus, how does he know where to get off? ;) 