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Welcome to parenting. Hope you like ketchup. 
It was a toss up tonight between turning on the nightly news or migrating to Singapore to get an Organ illegally harvested.
You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.
A family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.
I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.
Should be working but instead thinking how I could smuggle a tennis ball cannon into the Westminster Dog Show.
I clicked on a link and it said "Attachment Unavailable". That's dating in a nutshell.
All sitcoms make me realize is that my group of friends don't have nearly as much sex as they should.
If you don’t pretend you’re thanking polite ghosts every time you walk through automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.
Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.
Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.
I just checked my account balance at the ATM, it printed me out a coupon for ramen noodles.
Surgeon General's Warning To Parents: When your kids are old enough to buy their own birthday presents for you, the gifts get really, really crappy.
My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into THAT propeller blade.
The best threesome is two chocolate chip cookies sandwiching ice cream.
What I really seek is a career where I can combine my three main strengths as a worker: sulking, sighing and complaining about management.
I never broke up with my summer camp fling....technically we're still dating. My commitment issues are over!
Angelina Jolie adopted a few lawyers and put Brad Pitt up for adoption.....
Who is this Feat. person and why does he appear on so many songs?
I know women like "bad boys" but this Build a Bear Workshop coupon is going to expire soon so that's where we are going on our first date. 