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It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap. 
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your legs.
My daughter has decided to become a vegetarian. I'm frying bacon.
Before Drake started saying YOLO did you guys think you could live twice or something?
The only beachfront property I'll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
me: hold me while I sleep anaesthesiologist: no
I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were good years.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
not telling you
Sometimes waiting for the weekend is better than the weekend itself.
The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again! "Are you in the kitchen?" Yes. "Honey, that's the microwave."
: Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs? Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.
Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food. I smell my neighbor's barbecuing ribs and invite myself over. It's survival.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil 