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I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time? 
There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"
I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’ - Christian Rock
I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist's office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I'm passive aggressive.
I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:
choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life
Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.
Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.
Some days I think I'm slightly intelligent, other days I try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair* ME: perfect, thanks BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head* VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great
Dudes who order boneless wings close the Fridge with their hips 