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therapist: and what motivation will we use ? me: hate fueled spite ? therapist: no 
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Thanks Facebook for showing me dating websites, but I don't think dating strangers looking to hook up would be a stella way to socially distance myself right now, but maybe after the Coronavirus!
I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.
Went looking for milk but all they had was nut milk no one seemed to want, which makes me wonder if calling it nut milk had anything to do with that?
I love reading books that are based on real events but spiced up with a little fiction to keep your interest, kinda like people's Facebook posts.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Thxs for all the b-day wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex, 1dollar Cashapp, bitcoins n Zelle
Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.
The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.
"Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS
Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.
wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!
If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.
After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.
Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"
I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-) 