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when is it too late to have a baby shower ? cause my mama never had one when she was pregnant with me & I need some clothes 
INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast? Toddler: yes. Me: manners? Toddler: no thank you.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.
New year, new me *finally fixes that plate thing in the microwave so it rotates*
I'm so old I remember when writing on walls used to be considered a punishment.
Was texting the wife this morning from work and Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.
Do you have trouble making decisions? Well, yes and no.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
After years of changing beds & emptying bed pans, the song "Bootylicious" never did much for me.
Text book for urologists: "Looking Out for #1"
I'm so old that “Getting lucky” means I remembered where I parked my car at the grocery store.
Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I'm weak anyway.
I'm so old every year my family makes me a bigger birthday cake just so they can fit all the candles on it.
A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift. 