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’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic. 
Fourth of July coming up in a few weeks. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.
Let me see if I understand soccer. A yellow card is a warning, a red card means you have to leave the game, and a green card means you can move to the United States.
Fact: Kids learn so much in school they need the summer to have it all sink in so they don't forget any of it.
I wanna complain but I want it to sound hilarious
She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still
Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow
Hear me out.. A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
1987 was a great year for the payphone.
My wife gained so much for Thanksgiving she left the house this morning in high heels to get coffee and came home with flip-flops
Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation.
[dinner date] Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird. Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related
On Facebook friends are like "My life is beautiful! Everything is so fantastic I can hardly contain myself!" But in real life when you ask them how they're doing they're like "okay"
I've never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now. 