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When I was at school I belonged to a gang called d Secret 7.we swore to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other 6 were. 
[robbing a bank] accomplice: nice pantyhose me: thanks accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Just find out there’s no popcorn on popcorn shrimp. Guess there is no reason to try Pot Roast
I walked into a bar in another neighborhood the other day and I noticed that everyone there was wearing a tool belt. Then I found out they were all roofers. I’d stumbled into a shingles bar.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona virus and should not be quarantined any longer. WHO let the dogs out
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
California has been shut down for bussiness
I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the bank.
The World Health Organization has reported that dogs cannot transmit COVID-19 Virus and should be released from quarantine immediately. In other words, WHO let the dogs out.
Keep your eyes on the road and don't get worried when you see someone naked on a front porch. It's probably just a healthcare working coming home after their shift.
Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day. Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day. Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I found a real use for a selfie stick.. 6 feet back motherfuckers
Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Babysitter rates going up when this things over!
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy 