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9 months from now the next baby boom will be called the CV19s and the top names will be Charmin, Angel & Scott 
Aswe end week 2 of the lockdown, I wonder if OsamaBinLadin stuck in his house with 3 wives n kids decided to call in those Navy Seal himself
My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting
I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ars!"
A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.
As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”
DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.
Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope
Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.
If a menu item costs a dollar, you give up all rights to complain about it, even if it has pubes in it...
When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.
I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.
I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?
Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"
The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.
I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe. 