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If you have something to say raise your hand, and put it over your mouth. 
My lungs and liver are the best of friends when I'm at the bars
Dear Budget Models; the bathroom is for sh*tting, pissing and showering, not for photo shoots
She may think your tractor's sexy but she rides mine. ;0)
Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.
If you call my house and fail to leave a message, you deserve to be screened.
Your Disinterest In My Future...Explains Your Role In It.
I still don't know why they call it Virgin Atlantic. My plane was full of skanks who wouldn't take no for an answer!
LOVE: If you need direction, search your heart. If you still can't find the answer, search through your significant other's sh!t.
If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere.
When you weigh under 150 pounds in prison you're literally doing hard time.
I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.
Did you thank God for not looking like Rick Ross or Chris Bosh today?
It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was stil lingers..
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother nature is bipolar... I've been trying to get her into therapy but she just threatens me with a hormonal disorder so...
wouldn't it be funny if TLC would combine people from Hoarders and people from I Have OCD for a new reality show???
why is it that when you bump heads only 1 of you feel the pain
going to hunt down the "Nationwide Is On Your Side" dude
looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it 