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Why do men get lost while out driving? Because don't have a woman sitting beside them telling them where to go and how to get there! 
My new year's resolution is to improve my powers of concentra......... oh look a squirrel
A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)
Instead of talking about who isn't paying their fair share of taxes, let's talk about where all of our taxes are being spent.
All the abortions the democrats have.. They must be aborting the good looking ones.
.... Wonder what would happen if Hillary Clinton was forced to wear a shock collar that went off every time she lied?
a Person In Management Position (PIMP)
thinks my family is afraid of me cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I overheard them setting speed dials for the fire department, poison control...and the bomb squad...
..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?
In positive news, 6,694,254,041 people completely unaffected by the Pakistan floods.
Don't you just hate when people put things in their status that you really didn't wanna know? I hate that. Anyways, I gotta go poop
if a deaf boy cusses in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
so poor that he cant even pay attention
gave an atheist a bible today, he just couldn't believe it.
waiting for Congress to demand hearings on the $45M bailout and golden parachute for Conan O'Brien. Oh wait, we only do that for CEOs of large companies - my bad.
It takes 37 muscles to frown, 17 to smile...but only 3 to pull a trigger
Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
a Blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"
When you meet someone online & you fall in love is that considered love & first site? 