Funny Status Messages

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

   Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.

   Not now, Sweetie. Mommy’s busy cyberbullying the mayor. 😁

   They’re raising your taxes because they gave all your money away.

   Bezos: Heard you’re buying Twitter. Musk: Amazon is next. Bezos: Bruh… Musk: (add to cart)

   If your child makes fun of you for not being able to find the flashlight on your phone, just remind them of when you taught them everything.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also walk like Frankenstein and do a backflip into a volcano.

   Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.

   Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location, my goodness.

   If I throw a bouncy ball, will you run away?

   When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.

   The App is called Tic Toc; because every video you watch is a reminder of why humanity is running out of time.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   If you don’t finish with a wet spot on your tummy, are your dishes even clean?

   My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

   By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

   When there are no police, most crimes will carry the death penalty.