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Valentines day was set up as a yearly reminder for wimps who couldnt appreciate the best they have every day! 
Always be positive! For example: I am positive that I hate Casey Anthony.
How come every time I have to deal with customer service or technical support of anything, it's always some incompetent person telling me to do what I've already been doing. Like it's my fault that their crap doesn't work.
CASE OF THE EX: I laugh at my mistakes, so please excuse me while I laugh in your face.
Whenever someone deletes me as a friend I automatically think, crap they found out how many times I viewed their photos.
thinking I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use the computer
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver
... and then confuse people into thinking it's the rest of your previous status update when it isn't.
The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.
Man Rule #1........never start a conversation with a stranger while at a urinal
just recieved a letter in the mail from Jerry Springer asking me to be a guest on his show.... This cant be good
Whoever said 'Laughter is a medicine with no side effects' obviously never pee'd themselves from laughing
That was delicious corn on the cob. If you could have seen me enjoying it you would have thought I was a corn star.
BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.
If I ever die because of marijuana, mark on my grave, “I am too stoned to get up!”
....and outta nowhere they wheeled the piano in, Elton put on those freaky glasses,and Pippa did a poledance in the aisle!
may the 5th of jack be with you
When's it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin' up and not gettin' arrested.
Write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.
I didn't sleep very well last night. everybody's going to get a shamwow and pajama jeans for christmas. damn you infomercials!!!! 