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Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b 
what you call 10 commandments, I call common sense.
I'm old enough to remember when Obama was committed to dismantling #Iran's nuclear program.
Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"
you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.
Honey, you spread rumors almost just as Much as you spread your legs.
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package....
Grandmother died and in the will she left me the whole farm!! only later did I realized it was on Facebook. Well played Grandmother, well played.
I feel sorry for kids that behave in public because you know they get beat at home a lot.
Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.
I refuse to eat food I drop on the ground, but if I drop a cigarette? Yep, it's getting smoked
Thank god I don't have 3D glasses Celine Dion's nose is scary enough without them!
I'm not saying my girlfriend is thick, but we had a gas leak and she put a bucket under it.....
"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished.
watching the neighborhood kids play hide and seek. Now I know whose mom is on drugs. I'm guessing its the mother of the kid yelling "Olly Olly Oxycontin!"
if I die and Fb still exists, I grant permission to change my status to: "X is chillin with Jesus"
still HOT..it just comes in flashes now
bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
wish I had a time machine to go back to 1968 so I could show all the pretty ladies what '69 is going to be like.
The good thing about dating Black girls is not having to meet their fathers 