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When you feel lonely, CHEER UP! Just go to the mirror and say "Sh!t" I'm really so good looking!" You'll overcome your sadness. But don't make it a habit cuz liars go to hell! 
Comic book fans are enraged that Superman's new costume no longer has his underwear on the outside. The only guy who is happy about this is his Dry Cleaner. He knows poop stains which require kryptonite to remove are a serious pain in the a$$!
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.
I'm at the Bill Murray decides to join the army point of my life.
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." :)
I hate it when people complain someone posted the outcome of a sports event because they recorded it to watch later. If you don't want to know the score, then stay off the internet!!
Just saw Bigfoot!! Oh wait, its just the mother in law.
You know that instant disgust you feel when you find a hair in your food? Yeah thats exactly what I feel when I see you.
If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, don't get mad at me when I flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.
how much money should you give a homeless guy doing the Captain Morgan pose?
If you're moody most of the time on Facebook, I assume you're run out of Marijuana.
old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.
Never say never......or too much......or schumoblagaghadazjy, because that's hard to pronounce and doesn't mean anything.
Headline: Justin Bieber Wears Women's Jeans. I beg to differ, that headline should have read: "Justin Bieber Wears Men's Shirts"
I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
I know KARATE and like 2 other japanese words.
Being know as a instigator, I'm gonna add "Being thankful we survived Obama' to the thanksgiving blessing just to get the fun going.
Dance like your microwave isn't watching
The busiest person at the White House is whoever has to update the office contact list.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation” 