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My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo. 
If after sex, you have said, “you couldn't imagine me being someone else either eh?”….seek help….
They should just put a big ol' "Fu** You!" sign up beside the gas prices at the gas station...
thinks "going to the gym" should mean more than just walking there and then walking home.
This one time, at band camp... I played the tamborine :) What did you think I was going to do at band camp?
To the 'Jolly Old England' poster - use your spell checker, dimwit.
You know what is better than dry shampoo? Showering.
the good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
(Insert depressing and melancholy observations, complaints and status updates in this box.)
some people deserve the middle finger more often
Tonight is a Jim Croce night. I most definitely will be spending some time in a bottle!
My couple friends just keep me around so that when they fight they can refer to me to remind them how awful & lonely it is to be single.
Give Yourself a Haircut Tip # 1: Don't
Apparently, I can't say "Blak paint!" any more. I have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."
happier than a redneck driving a racecar
I joke around a lot .... but when I'm serious I'm serious cuz seriousness is the serious way to deal with serious seriosities seriositating in the seriousosphere. Seriously.
My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….
FACT: The richest man on the planet is a mexican!
Any kids dressed as Obama, who have worked real hard and have a bunch of candy, will be required to give it to me, cause I had rather have took a nap instead of collecting my own candy. Thank you!
just saw where the movie "Ground Hog Day" is coming on tonight.. Oh.. Wait a minute.. That's President Obama's job speech.. sorry 