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only took steroids for health purposes. 
only going to marry a very old man with a very bad cough...
- In my effort to be considered a "normal person", I shall now close my eyes, create fictional scenario's in my head and lay still for atleast 8 hours.
heard a guy at Starbucks talking loudly in his cell say, "I'm going to surprise her with a Jaguar." I'll only like him if he meant the cat..
You're Not my type is just a nicer way of saying your Ugly.
currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again.
stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message
My girlfriend is currently trying to understand my desire to unicycle. She accepted my ukulele playing, but this is apparently too far!
I can hear the Pink Panther theme song playing inside my head. I may or may not be getting into all kinds of mischief this afternoon.
Just found out that my google setting was set to family friendly and turned it off, it's a hole new world>:)
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?
Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-laws peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
There is no such thing as being underdressed when you're going to Wal-Mart.
watching It's Complicated and thinking it's really not that complicated. Meryl Streep is sleeping with her married ex- husband Alec Baldwin and at the same time her Architect Steve Martin.I think I got it figured out..
...Today's Random English Tip: Remember, it's 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser, where it's 'e' before 'i', and then several 'p's afterward...
Lindsay Lohan is due to be released from jail after only 5 days. The other top story, on Wall Street drug and alcohol stocks soared.
My friend told me they wouldn't mind trying human meat if the opportunity presented itself. Soooo, Guess who I'm not hanging out with anymore...
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
do eggplants have salmenella?? 