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If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes. 
"O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"
When I BBQ meat on the grill, I like to marinate in a brine made with tears of a thousand Vegans.
Apparently calling a pair of conjoined twins "hipsters" is not cool.
A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.
How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.
Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.
I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.
Hey ... If you want to stop all of these Protests and Riots .... Just start playing the National Anthem .... They will all either sit down or take a knee.
It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.
Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations
Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.
It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight. 