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I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it. 
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.
I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.
me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady
I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.
my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”
Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding.
Out shopping for keychain pepper spray for when people start saying “See you next Year!” to me....
Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie
If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. Heck, I might buy one for that reason alone.
I'm provaccine because the thought of having eight children and crossing my fingers that three make it to adulthood is so 1857.
Your body is not a wonderland. It is a city park, at best.
There's a time and place for hipster beards. That time is the Civil War and that place is a stockade in a Confederate camp.
When you're feeding pigeons, you're really feeding doves from Hell.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
I saw a science show on how we're merely energy sources who come back as other energies in subsequent lives. I can see it now, I'll be a 9 volt battery in a transistor radio from the 60's tuned to an Elvis only station. 