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Happy Earth Day everyone. Suck it, Mars! 
The new twenty dollar bill will feature a clever line drawing of Harriet Tubman using the men's room.
Whenever I see a dog I say hello,when I see a human I try not to make eye contact and hope it goes away
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else!
Laying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if it's worth it to get up and pee or if you can hold it in until the morning....
"Taco Bell isn't even real Mexican food." Hey!!! I'm not going for an authentic Mexican cuisine. I'm going because I'm broke and like tacos.
I'm Still not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
I typed my symptoms into Web MD this afternoon, Turns out I'm Gary Busey .
If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support. Happy Mother's Day!!!
Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.
Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.
When I met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate.
I'll see your passive aggressive Facebook status and I'll raise you... one finger.
In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.
Memorial Day Shopping: Just put some Rainier Cherries on lay-away at Whole Foods.
The very best time to re-examine your life is after you’ve had too much to drink on Memorial Day long weekend.
Psychologists and Psychiatrists need their heads examined.
You want to hear me laugh, ask for money.
If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine. 