Funny Status Messages

   The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."

   noticed that all the girls from his year at school that thought they were too good for me are now either fat, ugly or a frieky combination of the 2. Funny how the tables have turned.

   says that nothing is IMPOSSIBLE, the word itself says I'M POSSIBLE !

   thinks we should keep the Earth clean. It's not Uranus.

   You know you're getting old when Happy hour is your nap.

   taking a train to the land of make believe

   more confused than a baby in a topless bar.

   If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

   Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats