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Pee is the enemy of sleep 
The thing that disturbs me the most about social media,is when I see a woman from the high school days who didn't age very well, and I think to myself, "Man, I can't believe I zherked off to that."
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
The only heterosexual way for a man to shave his legs, is if he falls off a motorcycle at 120 mph.
I'm yet to see hot chics do the Ice Bucket challenge in a t-shirt. Come on ladies...I'm waiting.
There comes a point in everybody's life when they feel forgotten by someone they'll never forget.
stimulating his package.
Girls are like horoscopes,,they always tells us what to do and they are always wrong !!!
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
End discrimination. Hate everybody!
My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.
Today is National Facebook Unfriend Day. I hope you make it to tomorrow as my friend. I just want you to know I'm pulling for you.
Utlimate compliment for a woman: I'm not drunk, and you are still cute!
I hope everything I say doesn't sound like a sexual euphemism... touch wood.
just found out the difference between kinky and erotic..erotic was the use of the feather..kinky was the whole damn chicken
I love to eat Bran Flakes in the morning. I guess i'm just a regular girl.
moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches
really really hoping the weekend comes as fast as my ex!!
Just walked passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its' wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence please. 