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Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away. 
Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....
I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.
My favorite brand of tent for camping is Marriott.
Only been awake for 10 minutes and I'm already missing my fun dream friends.
British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!
I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.
Billboard is wrong. The hottest single of 2018 is me.
I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.
My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.
Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.
Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.
It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.
Putin has an amazing slap shot in the hockey game he played. Meaning you'll get slapped and then shot if you don't let him score.
I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..
If your ever wondering who your real friends are on facebook just delete your account and see who calls.
I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.
One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb 