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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber. 
It takes raw talent to make sushi.
What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.
Counting to ten when you are angry always works better if you are counting punches to somebody's face.
I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.
If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!
"What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"
My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!
Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?
Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart
Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead
So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.
I'm pretty sure Jesus never taught people to only look after themselves and to ignore the poor and hungry.
This just in… Harry has taken a job at Subway. He will now be referred to as “The Sandwich Artist Formerly Known as Prince”.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.
Tip:Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.
What is a cannibal’s favourite sandwich? Kevin Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said "omg you haven't met my baby" and I said "omg I had went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a damn cat.
Great... I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn't work Now I have a spider that won't stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon 