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A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?" 
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
how.... how do you get sold out... of having no mayo????
When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
Shouldn't women have a girlnecologist?
I wish my navigation system was a little more zen-like and instead of saying things like "Your destination is in 300 ft" it would say "Your destination is in 300 ft but remember, it's not about the destination, it's the journey that counted!"
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The only time a classic old VW doesn’t leak is when it has run out of oil.
She did no wrong doing, according to your God's investigating team.
If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation.
Would a veterinary chiropractor be an animal cracker?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Was forced to watch Lifetime and now I think my water just broke
The second my daughter gets her own place, I’m coming over and clogging her toilet.
[first day as a self defense teacher] Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock? Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Just saw a sign advertising crabs and clams. I don't know about you, but I prefer to keep the crabs away from my clam.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My safe word is "insufficient funds".