Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...
←Rate | 06-05-2020 08:17 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
←Rate | 08-14-2017 20:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
←Rate | 09-08-2020 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
←Rate | 04-05-2020 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.
←Rate | 12-31-2019 19:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
←Rate | 06-12-2018 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.
←Rate | 12-04-2018 14:01 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.
←Rate | 08-12-2020 12:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.
←Rate | 10-12-2020 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My five year plan is to make it through this year.
←Rate | 08-06-2020 21:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three more pension checks and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
←Rate | 09-02-2020 10:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
←Rate | 09-08-2020 09:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon May your coffee kick in before reality does.
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
←Rate | 10-01-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
←Rate | 10-01-2020 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
←Rate | 10-02-2020 13:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?
←Rate | 10-03-2020 23:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
←Rate | 10-12-2020 08:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
←Rate | 10-13-2020 08:47 Comments (0)  



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