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I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem 
Anybody else go around clicking LIKE on all the hot chicks posts, no matter what stupid sh*t it is?
We all have a "friend" we don't even like..
The best way to "baby proof" your house is to wear a condom.
Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.
If I ever get as excited about the McRib as the people in the commercials do....SLAP ME!
Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me
I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.
I wouldn't say that I'm really a bad dancer more like....overly Caucasian.
The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.
"Step one: Cut a hole in the box!"
:There's nothing more romantic than seeing young lovers dry hump their way through Wal-Mart...
Head banging to rock music doesn't have the same effect when your bald. Ask me how I know this.
Try and find me now Sucka!- bread tie
My psychic told me I will soon be ripped off by someone I trust. Knowing that was well worth the $500 she charges me.
Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.
Not sure why libs are whining. They've been given a gift in Hillary's loss. The gift of 4 years of complaining which is what they do best. Make that 2nd best. Doing nothing is what they do best.
Coworker: I don't appreciate how you... Me: Let me stop you right there, I don't give a sh*t what you appreciate.
The Germans ate Brazil for dinner. They were the wurst!
Million $ idea: Website called "dodgedabullet.com" with pics of former hot girls that blew up when you saw them at a reunion. 