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Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship... 
concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?
Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.
New England Patriots QB Cam Newton tested positive for Covid. Next game postponed, yet still find a way to win.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast. *sets alarm for 6:30*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I can speak only two languages Body and English.
Apparenty drawing a moustache on a coma patient, does not lighten the mood of their relatives
smiling to increase his face value
thinks that friends help you move but real friends help you move bodies.
a weapon of mass distraction
I Believe in GOD, but When It Comes To Cross The Street, I Look Both Ways !!!
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work. 